I don't have alot of time to blog--in fact, I've already wasted half of Ava's nap just puttering around looking at DIY projects for my sister's birthday. So I need to get my booty in gear! :)
So I'll say what I mean quickly: I very much dislike the term 'Good Mom,' even though it consistently shows up in my vocabulary. I don't like it because it, like the phrase 'good baby' connotates that if there is a good mom, there's also a bad mom.
I hate the idea of there being an option of being a 'bad mom,' because I fear that it's me. I fear that I'm the bad mom. That I don't cut it. Of course, I realize that some moms are really not putting in the effort that they should, and that's called neglect. But I'm talking about doing your best, but still wondering if I'm not really cut out for this job, not really cut out to 'be a mom' in who I am.
This thought came to me one night while I was talking to my husband...I can't even remember what we were talking about, but as we were talking, the thought came to me through a completely different line of conversation, that I am annointed to be Ava's mom. It's not about whether or not I can prove to the world, and more importantly, to myself, that I'm not a fraud, that I'm actually a 'good mom.' It's about the reality that God has chosen me to be her mom. And with that selecting comes empowering...I have all that I need to be a good mom to Ava. It comes to me through all the 'blessings of the heavenly realms' that are mine in Christ Jesus. I don't have to keep wondering if I'm a good mom or a crappy mom. I'm the exact mom that Ava needs, and I have all I need, in Christ. All I have to do is lean into Him in the midst of my mothering moments, and I'll be a 'good mom.'
I hope I can remember this as I go through my days with Ava. That there's a special annointing on my life to be specifically her mom. And I'm exactly what she needs.
(I think the same principle applies to husbands and wives...I'll explain in a later blog what I mean- I think it's a huge point to call women to be submissive to their husbands...it's a cool thought!)
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
..."Good Mom, Good Baby" (by Sarah)
There are 2 phrases that I'm about ready to eradicate from my vocabulary. They've actually been phrases that I've used frequently. But I'm ready to give them a kick out the door of the way I see things in this world.
"Good Mom" and "Good Baby" are the 2 phrases I'm talking about. I've found in this first year of being a new mom that these phrases come up SO OFTEN!
First let me tackle the 'good baby' phrase. I hear it allll the time: "Is she a good baby?" "She seems like such a good baby." "What a good baby." The reason I've come to not care for this particular phrase is that it conveys, through logic, that if there is a 'good baby,' then there's also a 'bad baby' out there somewhere. A baby that doesn't live up to the 'good baby' standard. It opens up a whole world of comparison and competition, of anxiety and performance. Of course I would always want my Ava girl to be labelled as a good baby, not a bad baby. I'd want it not only for her benefit, but also for my own benefit. I'd want her goodness to reflect on my goodness as a mom. It's terrible, but true, that her being called a 'good baby' so often for moms, either in their subconscious or in their heart of hearts, proves to the world that we're good enough as a mom.
So I'd find myself at various times throughout this first year of being a mom, struggling with and using this 'good baby' phrase to investigate my own worth. I'd wonder inside if Ava was a 'good baby,' and I'd measure her actions to determine if she was or wasn't. If she was, I was doing a good enough job. If she wasn't, there was something wrong with how I was parenting. If she sat quietly in her carseat without making a peep while we were at a meeting, or if she didn't give me a hard time in public, if she slept through the whole night, or if she didn't complain or scream when we were around friends, then I thought she was, sigh--thank God, a good baby. And I, by default, was a good enough mom. But if she had a meltdown or fussed alot while we were at someone's house, or needed more attention than the typical 'good baby,' I'd get all worried that she wasn't a good baby and I hadn't done a good enough job parenting her. I'd get confused about if it was her personality-just a 'hard baby', a 'spirited child,' a 'strong-willed girl,' or it was my fault because I was failing as a mom. In trying to vent my confusion, I'd sometimes jokingly call her a 'bad baby' when she wouldn't nap or eat the way I wanted her to.
One weekend, Caleb and I went away to a conference, and out of the blue, God convicted me about this area of my vocabulary. He let me know that He intentionally chose Ava to be our baby, to be in our family. He firmly, but gently told me that she is precious just the way she is. That when I even jokingly called her a 'bad baby,' that I, the one who was supposed to be her biggest fan, her biggest supporter, was placing a label on her that she might possibly carry her whole life. I realized that I want even the way I think about my daughter to infuse her with confidence in her value. And I never wanted her performance to carry so much weight, because mommy's mom-identity was wrapped up in it.
So now I try to incorporate into my mentality and, as a result, into my vocabulary, the idea that Ava is who she is. And who she is, is precious. The gift of her life was given to Caleb and me to shape us, and to delight us. She's exactly what we need. And so is every baby for their particular family. Yes, I definitely agree that some babies are more laid back than others. They seem to be naturally content, naturally compliant. Other babies seem easily upset, more defiant. But I'd like to erase from my mom's worldview that those that don't cry as much are 'good,' whereas those who can tent to be more of a handful are 'not good' as a logical result of there being the idea of a 'good baby.' And hopefully, with God healing me, and my attempts to eradicate the 'good baby' mentality, I'll more and more find out that Ava's temperament and actions will never determine my worth or my identity. It's set, in Christ, as a Purchased, Being-refined One.
I guess that's enough of a rant about vocabulary for now...I'll pick up with my comments on the intricacies of what the phrase 'good mom' connotates later on...
"Good Mom" and "Good Baby" are the 2 phrases I'm talking about. I've found in this first year of being a new mom that these phrases come up SO OFTEN!
First let me tackle the 'good baby' phrase. I hear it allll the time: "Is she a good baby?" "She seems like such a good baby." "What a good baby." The reason I've come to not care for this particular phrase is that it conveys, through logic, that if there is a 'good baby,' then there's also a 'bad baby' out there somewhere. A baby that doesn't live up to the 'good baby' standard. It opens up a whole world of comparison and competition, of anxiety and performance. Of course I would always want my Ava girl to be labelled as a good baby, not a bad baby. I'd want it not only for her benefit, but also for my own benefit. I'd want her goodness to reflect on my goodness as a mom. It's terrible, but true, that her being called a 'good baby' so often for moms, either in their subconscious or in their heart of hearts, proves to the world that we're good enough as a mom.
So I'd find myself at various times throughout this first year of being a mom, struggling with and using this 'good baby' phrase to investigate my own worth. I'd wonder inside if Ava was a 'good baby,' and I'd measure her actions to determine if she was or wasn't. If she was, I was doing a good enough job. If she wasn't, there was something wrong with how I was parenting. If she sat quietly in her carseat without making a peep while we were at a meeting, or if she didn't give me a hard time in public, if she slept through the whole night, or if she didn't complain or scream when we were around friends, then I thought she was, sigh--thank God, a good baby. And I, by default, was a good enough mom. But if she had a meltdown or fussed alot while we were at someone's house, or needed more attention than the typical 'good baby,' I'd get all worried that she wasn't a good baby and I hadn't done a good enough job parenting her. I'd get confused about if it was her personality-just a 'hard baby', a 'spirited child,' a 'strong-willed girl,' or it was my fault because I was failing as a mom. In trying to vent my confusion, I'd sometimes jokingly call her a 'bad baby' when she wouldn't nap or eat the way I wanted her to.
One weekend, Caleb and I went away to a conference, and out of the blue, God convicted me about this area of my vocabulary. He let me know that He intentionally chose Ava to be our baby, to be in our family. He firmly, but gently told me that she is precious just the way she is. That when I even jokingly called her a 'bad baby,' that I, the one who was supposed to be her biggest fan, her biggest supporter, was placing a label on her that she might possibly carry her whole life. I realized that I want even the way I think about my daughter to infuse her with confidence in her value. And I never wanted her performance to carry so much weight, because mommy's mom-identity was wrapped up in it.
So now I try to incorporate into my mentality and, as a result, into my vocabulary, the idea that Ava is who she is. And who she is, is precious. The gift of her life was given to Caleb and me to shape us, and to delight us. She's exactly what we need. And so is every baby for their particular family. Yes, I definitely agree that some babies are more laid back than others. They seem to be naturally content, naturally compliant. Other babies seem easily upset, more defiant. But I'd like to erase from my mom's worldview that those that don't cry as much are 'good,' whereas those who can tent to be more of a handful are 'not good' as a logical result of there being the idea of a 'good baby.' And hopefully, with God healing me, and my attempts to eradicate the 'good baby' mentality, I'll more and more find out that Ava's temperament and actions will never determine my worth or my identity. It's set, in Christ, as a Purchased, Being-refined One.
I guess that's enough of a rant about vocabulary for now...I'll pick up with my comments on the intricacies of what the phrase 'good mom' connotates later on...
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